I've got a Question...

Here is a space for you all to ask questions you might have about getting involved with a Fijian man. I speak from my own experience over the past 3 years and am happy to help answer the questions you have. 

You're all always welcome to email me at ivegotthetravelbug2011@hotmail.com with any questions you may have but I figure sharing it on here will also help others. I tell it like it is with no judgement. I'll say the stuff you may not want to hear but need to.

I've been where you are... I've had my fair share of doubt... I do this because I wish I had someone I could ask questions at the very beginning... You're definately not the only one feeling this way... Looking forward to having this as a safe space to share experiences and opinions and wishing you all a life of happiness, love, security and contentment <3

Lots of Love,

ivegotthetravelbug2011

Response to common questions

I get emails from time to time asking how my situation with the mister is going.

He and I are still together and are excited to be going over to Fiji this year for Christmas but let me assure you, we've had our fair share of rocky points in our journey. 

Here's a response I recently wrote to a woman who just came back from Fiji - paradise <3

I receive emails with these questions quite often and thought if post my response to give you some more info on here. 

You're all always welcome to email me at ivegotthetravelbug2011@hotmail.com with any questions you may have. I tell it like it is with no judgement. I'll say the stuff you may not want to hear but need to.

I've been where you are... I've had my fair share of doubt... I do this because I wish I had someone I could ask questions at the very beginning... You're definately not the only one feeling this way... Wishing you all a life of happiness, love, security and contentment <3

--------------------------

Email I recieved;

Hi ivegotthetravelbug2011,

I travel over to Fiji a fair bit, 4 times a year or so... made heaps of friends but find the Fijian women often tell me to not pursue a relationship with Fijian men. ..

(Please dont judge me too harshly) 
My situation is that I'm currently married and have a child with my partner but I'm only staying in the relationship for my child. I feel my relationship with him is nearing it's end as neither of us are happy.

I've just returned from Fiji Thursday and spent time with a man there... (not physically,  I don't believe in that) but I enjoyed his company ALOT. He knows I've got a husband and he was honorable in not trying to pursue me further after I told him I wouldn't cheat on my child's father. 

Whilst over there I met his whole family and spent quailty time speaking with his mum and sister. We then sat around with the boys in the village drinking and laughing, as they do ;)

The man I met dropped me off at the airport and held my hand all the way there, kissed it and said 'I really love you...' He even hugged me in public and says he's making arrangements to get over to Australia. He never asked for money or even a sponsors letter from me - nothing at all and he just said he's going to get over shortly.

I will often make friends with the men when o go over there and feel they are just after something, but with this man I felt different. I just don't know whether is all just talk or if he's being genuine.

Currently my head is a total mess...

In your early days what was your thoughts and experiences?

Thanks,

-B

--------------------------

My reply;

Hi B,

Hope you're well. I've taken some time to think about your situation and will be as detailed as much as I can. 

I really think you should consider cutting off all contact with the Fijian man you met. It seems to me as though he has caught you out at a vulnerable moment and you have welcomed that sense of being loved and comforted. 

With men in Fiji it is difficult to know what their true intentions are and unless you are able to be alone and love yourself, you will not feel deserving of love. Could it be that you are scared of being alone and that is why you are looking at jumping from your current relationship into the arms of another?

What do you really know about him??  You met him for such a short time and I really think you should take this into account before you throw away the relationship you have. Where you are might not be a good place but the person you're with committed to you and had a child with you. Reconsider his intentions as he has said the words 'I love you' way too soon and unfortunately most Fijian men that work at resorts have the same intention. Note that I said most not all.

I can just tell you from my experience... I met my partner while I was doing voluntary work in Fiji over a 5 month period. He was a friend of many of my friends who weren't Fijian so I knew he had never tried this with anyone else over a 2 year period before he met me. It took 2.5 months of he and I talking over the phone and building a friendship before he expressed his feelings for me. Once he did he said 'I love you' quite quickly which I found odd hearing only a week later but we had already built a foundation to our relationship so it was ok with me. 

Being with a Fijian has it's fair share of challenges and is not for the faint hearted. 3 years on my partner and I have just agreed to start formal counselling to tackle the issue of communication. Even 3 years on and him moving to Oz with me, we still have not overcome this. It is in Fijian nature to withhold or not disclose information so as 'not to get into trouble'. We start our first session on Monday and have been though a lot together however still have strong feelings toward each other. It's extremely confusing at times but we are both committed. 

Along with the issues of communication, alcholism is huge with Fijians and uncontrollable in most cases. Once they have one they can't stop. The fact that you did this with him may make you think it's a once off but I pretty much guarantee you, they do it every chance they get and I don't think that's a good thing for a child to be around on an ongoing basis. My partner who loves rugby more than you can imagine pretty much had to give up rugby because the influence to drink after a game was too great for him to handle. I'm a lucky woman as he doesn't drink daily, etc. 

So to sum up;

1. Beware of his intentions. He caught you in a vulnerable moment and kissed you as well even though he knew you were with someone else

2.  Issue of communication. Do you have it in you to trust someone who may withhold the truth from you due to cultural characteristics and if so, do you have the commitment to work through breaking the habit and work on a daily basis to keep the lines of communication open?

3. Alcholism. It is a VERY real issues that I guarantee you WILL have to deal with. 

Let me know if you have any questions. I'm pretty straight forward but I'd rather tell you exactly what you're getting into than for you to wish you had some insight before you were already all in, feel stuck and can't get out because of any insecurities. 

Wishing you all the best.  

ivegotthetravelbug2011

How Fijian Men Express Love & How We Aussie Women Expect Love

One thing I always used to get frustrated about was trying to get my man to express himself... It has been a long journey from questioning my own insecurity to gaining a mutual understanding on how to express love, frustration and affection with my man and have him do the same.

Again, this is on a case by case basis but I'm hoping I can give some insight from a cultural perspective on how Fijian culture impacts the way they express love in a way we Aussie girls can understand. 

1. Chemistry is a really big part of any long term relationship so make sure it's there and you work at keeping 'the spark' :)

When I first met my wonderful man, we would chat for a little while here and there then those few minutes increased to an hour, then a few hours, then we would try and hide our yawns to stay on the phone... And before you knew it, we would be on the phone all night!!

As you can see, that spark was there at the beginning as it should be with any relationship, same culture or cross cultured. The way we expressed our interest in each other worked for us and could be felt.

2. Understand the way your partner thinks. 

As we got deeper into the relationship before my man came over here, the way he needed to show me love and keep our relationship alive was by putting things into action. It took him quite a while but one thing I learnt about him that he still says till today is when he really wants to do something he'll get up and do it but if he waits too long his motivation becomes non existent. This doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it simply means he needs some motivation when his runs out.

3. Understand his love languages and help him to understand yours. 

Boy this one is such a simple thing to understand but man it can be a long process... The most expression of emotion I had seen from my man is when he listens to old classic love songs!! Yep! How would've thought!! Lol!! Moving on... Another thing he's passionate about is rugby! So why isn't he showing that passion for me? A thought that crissed my mind many many times!

One thing to understand with your Fijian man ( or any man really) is that he's understood that working hard is the way to show care for lived ones. Think about Fijian life... there is usually only one provider in a full house of 7 or 8. To a Fijian man, to work hard farming casava or Taro to put food on the table or to farm to sell it is to give you the things you need for life. In return to a Fijian man, to do all things at home is the woman's role and in turn that's how she shows love for a man. 

Think back to when things were primitive, the man is the hunter and the woman is the gatherer.

Living in Australia my man had to realise that he wasn't the only worker in the house and that things here were 50/50. We were here to support each other and build a life TOGETHER with equal responsibility. When he works here in Australia he had to realise that he wasn't working to support me, but to support himself as well as our future together.

His idea of 'I love you therefore I work hard. Period.' wasn't being understood by me as love. Instead, I felt like there was no love because I had to think about working a full time job myself, cooking dinners, cleaning the house, preparing our lunches, shopping for groceries, budgeting and finances, and maintaining my physical appearance. 

As you can see it didn't start off very balanced so I needed to communicate that I needed him to share the responsibility with me. I gave him some time to adjust to the Aussie culture and living here and when giving him new responsibilities I had to show him how things were done but at the same time, I had to let him make some mistakes to learn from and take responsibility for his actions (or lack of) otherwise he'd still be relying on me to do everything.

Please don't take that last point I made (in italics) lightly! You need to give him things to do himself without guiding him too much!! This is no easy task!! There will be resistance and with this and he will show he doesn't like it but no change comes easy. With my man, he would mope and be grumpy for a week then everything is fine and back to normal. Stick it out!

My love languages are fused between Acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. Google 'love languages' to see what you are.

For him to understand Acts of Service is a way of showing me love took time but then if we had a fight, I'd find he'd cook me dinner or empty the dishwasher or go get some groceries. He is a gem and I love him for working hard to understand me.

Words of Affirmation is one that's going ok but it's a tough on to crack! We're still on the journey and haven't quite got there yet. He says I love you a lot but  he's not one to express himself with words. This is a big one when we're having an argument or he's upset with me. If we're arguing he'll barely say a word and just say 'I don't know'. If he's upset with me, he won't try to say it, he'll just try to find a way to make me angry (not very healthy). But as you can see, it'd something that needs work. Be patient and don't give up on change. It takes hard work and time. Nothing good ever comes easy. You know he may never change to the way I want him to express himself but I can accept him for the person he is and I can also change to understand him and the way he expresses himself too.

Physical Touch is one that had its hurdles too. He had resistance to change because these acts in public we're not common in Fijian culture. Men and women dont even have dinner together in gatherings as the order of eating is children then men then women. He can even ask his own sister or cousin how their pregnancy is going because it's a thing only girls talk about.

So as you can see, what is acceptable in Fijian culture is very different to that here in Australia. 

For my man to get used to holding my hand when we walk together in public or putting his arm around me in public or for him to get used to a kiss hello and goodbye every time we saw each other was not and easy adjustment in Australia. 

In fiji there was almost no physical touch between us in public as we didn't let too many people know about our relationship till later down the track.

I remember one of our first dates was a trip to South Sea Island and on the boat rode there were no Fijians except crew. It was really funny seeing his expression when he put his arm around me. I didn't ask for him to do that but I could tell he was testing boundaries outside his own culture about public displays of affection.

Gifts is one that he understands well. It goes with his original concept of 'I work hard to provide because I love you' mostly it's on occasions and we go big on this when we can :)

His love languages are;

Acts of service - cooking. If I go a while without cooking he feels I actually don't love him so I know this is big for him. 

Physical Touch- little things like playing with his hair and just having my hand on him when we're watching tv. I always welcome him with a hug and a kiss.

Gifts - Gifts say 'I love you therefore I work hard to get you something you want' but also 'I was thinking if you' <3

Words of Affirmation - if I say I love him it means it's 100% true without doubt. We uses to ask each other 'do you really love me' because I think we couldn't believe how lucky we were and also because things wer so hard sometimes and we still wanted to be together. 

Hope my perspective has shed some light on any questions you have. Till next time!

Moce Mada :)

2.5years down the track - An update

Wow it's been a while since I last wrote..

So it's been 2 and a half years in this Fijian Man / Australian Woman relationship and what a ride it's been!

My Fijian man has lived here in Oz for a year and a few months now  and is adapting well.

He started off working a few days a week here and there and now he works 5-6 days and is studying part-time. Busy life!! 

We've tackled many things far and wide from cultural differences, relationship matters, alcohol, role expectations and emotional, physical and intellectual topics too. Here's my update for you all in cyber world :)

1. Work

To start with, my man wasn't doing much and just relaxing the days away. A few months down the track I needed to fibs him a job as he had no established connections here in Australia. After referring him to a friend, he was always reliable and hard working. I never had any issues on that front which is great :) he found a better position offered through the rugby club he plays for and it's been great since.

2. Study

My man always brought up a particular profession when we would talk in Fiji. It was like a dream for him to establish this profession so when the opportunity arose to apply we did. There were only a hand picked few who were selected from a large group and he was lucky enough to be selected. I had a chat to the teachers after his interview too and his references were excellent!! So proud of him! He does struggle a little as he didn't complete high school however we're organising tutoring to tackle it. 

The one thing with Fijian men is that you need to organise it all for them. This is absolutely one of the most frustrating things I've found!! It's inderstandable that they don't know how to do certain things busy I'm working on getting him to step up more.

Another thing to note that it's realllly important to give strong encourage my to your mam when things get rough on the study front. Nothing good comes easy right...

3. Cultural Differences

My man and I have really had to change our lifestyles to make our relationship a successful one and believe me it takes work!

To start with, the Australian lifestyle is extremely fast paced compared to Fijian lifestyle. Back home he had enough free time to train for rugby twice a day! He is such a hard worker and has great work ethic  he's built great relationships with his employers and I'm so blessed to have a man working this hard for our future together :)

For me, I had to change by being responsible for another person who doesn't really know how things work over here. Basic things like credit cards, online banking, how to book a flight, restaurant, wedding and social etiquette and dress etc. needed to be taught. Believe me it's harder than it sounds! Having to tell him the process leading up to your occasions, anniversaries, birthdays, etc isn't a piece if cake ;) there occasions were differently celebrated in Fiji compared to here. Buying gifts, etc. 

Another major cultural difference is that in Fiji the man would work and the woman would attend to domestic duties. Here in Australia, women work 40hr weeks just the same as men, so home duties need to be split to make things fair and each contribute.

Luckily, my man is fine with this :) but, it took time and some persistence. My man would resist change for about a week but then he's fine with it :) I cook, he cleans (with a little encouragement). He does the laundry, I do the finances. He does the floors, i do the bathroom. 

4. Relationship Matters

Again this has to do with culture. Fijians men are not men of many words. They have a masculine face to keep and don't let it down often. Emotional support is one of the hardest things to tackle with a Fijian man. So much so that we're still working on it. My man also doesn't really like to kiss too much just for the sake if it. I find this really offensive to be honest. Not sure if this happens with other Fijian men but we're still working through it. 

Physically, he holds my hand, gives me pecks and were generally always close by to each other with a hand I'm leg when sitting, etc. physical intimacy is a big one for me. 

Social interaction is fine with friends he's made however he lacks a little self awareness and interrupts from time to time. Other than that, my man is liked by all he meets which us great :) one thing to note, people can be cruel... I remember telling a friend that I had gotten together with a Fijian and the response I got was not a positive one. Basically it questioned out intellectually compatibility. Please tell ignorant people such as this not to confuse intellectual ability with a language barrier... Annoying!!

My Fijian is also introvert but is a joker once you get through the outer shell ;) 

5. Alcohol... One of the biggest if all...

My man doesn't drink often at all... About once every 6-8 weeks. The problem is that when he does, he doesn't know when to stop. He never gets violent or abusive with me and it's more a matter of getting him home safe and hating the influence it had over him as he has periods where he can't remember things the next day. Binge drinking to it'd limits. We see still working on thus issue and he is aware this isn't acceptable to me... Will keep you all posted :) 

I know it's difficult to trust and I'm still struggling myself and battling through my insecurities. Will hop to update this blog more often :)

Moce Mada