One thing I always used to get frustrated about was trying to get my man to express himself... It has been a long journey from questioning my own insecurity to gaining a mutual understanding on how to express love, frustration and affection with my man and have him do the same.
Again, this is on a case by case basis but I'm hoping I can give some insight from a cultural perspective on how Fijian culture impacts the way they express love in a way we Aussie girls can understand.
1. Chemistry is a really big part of any long term relationship so make sure it's there and you work at keeping 'the spark' :)
When I first met my wonderful man, we would chat for a little while here and there then those few minutes increased to an hour, then a few hours, then we would try and hide our yawns to stay on the phone... And before you knew it, we would be on the phone all night!!
As you can see, that spark was there at the beginning as it should be with any relationship, same culture or cross cultured. The way we expressed our interest in each other worked for us and could be felt.
2. Understand the way your partner thinks.
As we got deeper into the relationship before my man came over here, the way he needed to show me love and keep our relationship alive was by putting things into action. It took him quite a while but one thing I learnt about him that he still says till today is when he really wants to do something he'll get up and do it but if he waits too long his motivation becomes non existent. This doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it simply means he needs some motivation when his runs out.
3. Understand his love languages and help him to understand yours.
Boy this one is such a simple thing to understand but man it can be a long process... The most expression of emotion I had seen from my man is when he listens to old classic love songs!! Yep! How would've thought!! Lol!! Moving on... Another thing he's passionate about is rugby! So why isn't he showing that passion for me? A thought that crissed my mind many many times!
One thing to understand with your Fijian man ( or any man really) is that he's understood that working hard is the way to show care for lived ones. Think about Fijian life... there is usually only one provider in a full house of 7 or 8. To a Fijian man, to work hard farming casava or Taro to put food on the table or to farm to sell it is to give you the things you need for life. In return to a Fijian man, to do all things at home is the woman's role and in turn that's how she shows love for a man.
Think back to when things were primitive, the man is the hunter and the woman is the gatherer.
Living in Australia my man had to realise that he wasn't the only worker in the house and that things here were 50/50. We were here to support each other and build a life TOGETHER with equal responsibility. When he works here in Australia he had to realise that he wasn't working to support me, but to support himself as well as our future together.
His idea of 'I love you therefore I work hard. Period.' wasn't being understood by me as love. Instead, I felt like there was no love because I had to think about working a full time job myself, cooking dinners, cleaning the house, preparing our lunches, shopping for groceries, budgeting and finances, and maintaining my physical appearance.
As you can see it didn't start off very balanced so I needed to communicate that I needed him to share the responsibility with me. I gave him some time to adjust to the Aussie culture and living here and when giving him new responsibilities I had to show him how things were done but at the same time, I had to let him make some mistakes to learn from and take responsibility for his actions (or lack of) otherwise he'd still be relying on me to do everything.
Please don't take that last point I made (in italics) lightly! You need to give him things to do himself without guiding him too much!! This is no easy task!! There will be resistance and with this and he will show he doesn't like it but no change comes easy. With my man, he would mope and be grumpy for a week then everything is fine and back to normal. Stick it out!
My love languages are fused between Acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. Google 'love languages' to see what you are.
For him to understand Acts of Service is a way of showing me love took time but then if we had a fight, I'd find he'd cook me dinner or empty the dishwasher or go get some groceries. He is a gem and I love him for working hard to understand me.
Words of Affirmation is one that's going ok but it's a tough on to crack! We're still on the journey and haven't quite got there yet. He says I love you a lot but he's not one to express himself with words. This is a big one when we're having an argument or he's upset with me. If we're arguing he'll barely say a word and just say 'I don't know'. If he's upset with me, he won't try to say it, he'll just try to find a way to make me angry (not very healthy). But as you can see, it'd something that needs work. Be patient and don't give up on change. It takes hard work and time. Nothing good ever comes easy. You know he may never change to the way I want him to express himself but I can accept him for the person he is and I can also change to understand him and the way he expresses himself too.
Physical Touch is one that had its hurdles too. He had resistance to change because these acts in public we're not common in Fijian culture. Men and women dont even have dinner together in gatherings as the order of eating is children then men then women. He can even ask his own sister or cousin how their pregnancy is going because it's a thing only girls talk about.
So as you can see, what is acceptable in Fijian culture is very different to that here in Australia.
For my man to get used to holding my hand when we walk together in public or putting his arm around me in public or for him to get used to a kiss hello and goodbye every time we saw each other was not and easy adjustment in Australia.
In fiji there was almost no physical touch between us in public as we didn't let too many people know about our relationship till later down the track.
I remember one of our first dates was a trip to South Sea Island and on the boat rode there were no Fijians except crew. It was really funny seeing his expression when he put his arm around me. I didn't ask for him to do that but I could tell he was testing boundaries outside his own culture about public displays of affection.
Gifts is one that he understands well. It goes with his original concept of 'I work hard to provide because I love you' mostly it's on occasions and we go big on this when we can :)
His love languages are;
Acts of service - cooking. If I go a while without cooking he feels I actually don't love him so I know this is big for him.
Physical Touch- little things like playing with his hair and just having my hand on him when we're watching tv. I always welcome him with a hug and a kiss.
Gifts - Gifts say 'I love you therefore I work hard to get you something you want' but also 'I was thinking if you' <3
Words of Affirmation - if I say I love him it means it's 100% true without doubt. We uses to ask each other 'do you really love me' because I think we couldn't believe how lucky we were and also because things wer so hard sometimes and we still wanted to be together.
Hope my perspective has shed some light on any questions you have. Till next time!
Moce Mada :)
